"My Dearest Kelly,
I’m writing this primarily because I won’t always be around to tell this to you when you need to hear it. I love you. I’m sitting here contemplating the meaning of that statement, and all that is associated with it. First off, love is unconditional. When I say I love you, I mean it as a single statement. It has no tails or strings attached, no if, ands, or buts. You need no qualifications, no act of mutual feelings. There is nothing you can do to make it grow or diminish. It simply exists. You didn’t earn it, buy it, or win it, because it was my heart that made the choice to create it. It did it when it recognized the perfection in your imperfection. It saw that you were the one person that it could love until it has it’s last beat. Because that’s the thing about the heart and the way it loves. Once it has created this special type of love, it won’t stop until the end. So, Kelly Stifler, like it or not, you have my passionate, fervent, unconditional, undivided love until I have breathed my last breath. With that comes my desire for you. This is the driving force behind my expressions of affections. Because I love you, I desire to make you happy. To give you everything and anything you could ever dream of having. I desire to do all of this in the hopes that it will make you want to stay and accept my love, to be enraptured in it, because it makes my heart fill with joy. Regardless of if you stay with me forever or one day leave, my heart will always love you and as they say, absence makes the heart grow sick. I want to love you forever with every part of my being. So as long as you will have me, I will always be yours. So whenever you feel lonely, sad, unworthy, or especially unloved, read this letter and know that there is a man named Evan Chase who loves you for everything you are Kelly Stifler, and that will never change. I still, and always will, stand by the word used to describe our love: infinite, and in case I haven’t said it enough, I love you bear.
To the moon and back, your peanut,
Finding this letter you wrote me was either the first or last thing I needed. I do not know. Until now, I seemed okay with the break-up. I thought it was best. I was able to almost convince myself that it was good that I got out when I did, and that this was exactly what needed to happen. And of course, every person was backing me up, congratulating me for handling the break-up so maturely. I told everyone “Yeah, I think we’ll still be friends.” After all, it wasn’t a bitter break-up really. Everything seemed “perfect” about this break-up. Until I stumbled upon this letter you wrote me.
Evan. I am so sorry. Sorry does not even begin to explain my remorse and regret for the way I treated you. Your heart is so kind, pure, and genuine, as was your love for me. I took you and everything you had to offer for granted. What sickens me even more, is that I knew that, yet I chose to not do anything about it. You deserve someone so much better than me. Someone who will not only accept your love and not take it for granted, but someone who will return the love.
I never did. I never even attempted to love you the way you loved me. I do not know why, and I am so angry that I passed that chance up. Looking back on it, I am physically sick to my stomach that I was able to just drag you along like I did. I cannot imagine the heartache and emotional pain I caused you.
And you. Oh Evan Chase. Your precious, kind heart made you oblivious for the longest time. I was able to manipulate you into thinking that this was not all my fault, and that you contributed to it so much. Only now, at 10:53pm on March 2, do I finally realize that this was all my fault. I was the one who was changed. I was so blinded by my depression, stress, and just the world in general, that I took all my built up anger out on you. And your precious self took the beatings.
I sit here sobbing, clenching my stomach in pain. Not only because I lost you, but because of the pain I caused you. I cannot believe I did that. I pray to God that I did not corrupt you for future relationships.
Looking back on the past year of dating, I am finally fully appreciating you. Why I was so blind our entire relationship, I do not know. But sweet boy, I am so so so sorry. I miss you so much.
This entire letter I have avoided the term “I love you” because in these past months I misused that phrase. “I love you” is not something you just say, it is something you show. I never showed it.
But Evan Guy Chase, I love you. I love you more than words can describe. I want to spend prom, summer, college and many more years after that with you. Nobody else. There is not one other person on this planet that I want to get snowed in with more than you. No other man would ever be able to tolerate the quirky things I do. Not only do you tolerate them, you love me so much for them.
I want to start fully loving you again. I want to appreciate the things you do for me, and I want to return the affection back to you 110%. I want to be the reason you smile and laugh, not the reason you cry. I know I have already received a second chance, and that did absolutely nothing. I had no time to think or reflect. But give me this one last chance, and I promise to love you like I never did before.
Because I’m giving up. I can’t find any reason.
ITS GETS ME EVERY TIME
EVERY SINGLE FUCKING TIME
What are we? Where are we?
My biggest mental dilemma is figuring out where we’ll go. You have a “forever” mindset, and sometimes I claim to have that too, but I don’t know.
I’m so numb and I HATE myself for it. You deserve someone a million times better than me. This depression has fucked me over beyond what I can handle. I’m seriously barely hanging on, and I can’t even bring myself to tell you that.
On my “up” days, forever with you seems wonderful. A dream. But on my “down” days, which unfortunately are much more common, I don’t have that “forever” mindset. It’s not that I’m picturing “forever” with someone else, it’s that I can’t picture forever. I don’t believe that forever with me will be as long as you think.
I’m so sorry you got dragged into this hell hole of a relationship. You have so much hope for us, and I wish I had that hope too. But I don’t. That’s why I’ve been so quiet, and mean, and distant recently.
I’m distancing myself from you, because there hasn’t been a real “up” day in a very long time.
The “forever” I saw on those “up” days has completely disappeared from my vision.
And I don’t want you to get even more hurt down the road. I love you, so much. But not only because I don’t love myself, but the fact that I HATE who I am, is the reason I can’t show you this love that you deserve to be shown.
I feel that I should let you go, because I love you.
Love is like a bird, if you love it, you should let it be free.
Evan, as long as you are with me, you will not be free. Not only will my depression continue to tear me down, but it will tear you down with me. That is not fair to you. You do not deserve that.
Whether or not you choose to leave, is up to you. I am not breaking up with you, but I am letting you know that you can leave and escape this.
I do not know if things will ever get better with me. Since I was diagnosed, it has progressively gotten worse. And I keep thinking I’m at rock bottom, but there’s always something that proves that I’m not at the bottom quite yet, because something worse keeps happening.
I hope you understand what I am trying to say. Do not take offense to any of this, as you have done nothing. All of this, the problems we’re facing, the uncertainty, is me and what my depression has turned me into. I’ve been so afraid to tell you because I am afraid you will find some way to blame yourself, but do not. Please.
I just, I’m so sorry. I could never tell you any of this face to face because my pride is too large and because I am so embarrassed to be the way I am. I’ve written you so many letters trying to explain my depression to you, and venting about how I feel, or what I don’t feel and how numb I am. I never came close to sending them to you, but I feel that this letter must be sent to you. You deserve to know what I am thinking, and how I feel.
I do love you, and I wish I could show it to you in all the ways you want it to be shown. I am so sorry.
My darling January 15, 2014
Sometimes I feel you doubt my love. And I’m really sorry that something like that can run through your head. I never had any intentions on making you doubt yourself regarding our relationship. I feel I often attempt to explain why I am the way I am, but feel as if I never can verbalize my emotions.
I thought maybe a letter would help, you know get across whatever it is I’m feeling. And frankly, I’m not even sure I’ll ever give this letter to you. If I do, then something’s probably wrong with me or we’re struggling in our relationship due to miscommunication.
Depression is a hopeless prison, where I feel so alone. Someone like you, despite knowing everything about me, cannot understand me when regarding my depression. It’s unfortunate because it leaves so many things unanswered, or leaves you questioning yourself and what you’re doing wrong. You’re doing nothing wrong my dear.
I love you so much, but sometimes I struggle to convey that. I know that has been a source of our problems before, and I feel that this may appear as an excuse, but I can’t convey my love very well because I’m still learning to love myself. But I truly adore you. I would love to say you make me weak in the knees, but to be quite upfront and completely truthful, you make my body forget it has knees at all. You are the finest, loveliest, tenderest, and most beautiful person I have ever known, and even that is an understatement.
I don’t know what the future holds, and sometimes I’m afraid that my future isn’t as large or long as most hoped. Depression does not want me on this earth, and there is nothing anyone can say that makes me feel otherwise. Yes, there are days that I feel alive, but other days I feel so small, and life seems to go over my head. But whatever future I do have, I hope you to be a part of it.
I feel the need to apologize to you for loving someone like me. I’m so grateful for the love to give to me, but I’m so sorry that I can’t feel it to its full capacity. One day, hopefully, I will learn to love myself like you love me. Maybe then I will be able to fully accept the fact that someone like you can love someone like me. I’m also sorry once again that I’m not conveying my love for you in the proper ways that you wish. I don’t have any clue what I’m doing, and loving someone is so hard when I’m slowly giving up on myself. Love has hope rooted deep into it, and depression has hopelessness rooted into it. I’m learning to juggle the both of them, and they seem to balance each other out, but nonetheless, they get in the way of each other, one positively and the other negatively.
Sometimes it hits me out of nowhere. All of a sudden this overwhelming sadness rushes over me. And I get discouraged and I get upset and I feel hopeless, sad and hurt. And once again, I feel numb to the world. And one major problem with this is that you are my world. I hate being numb to things, especially you. You don’t deserve this. You are so invested into our relationship, and because of this my depression is starting to overflow onto you, and that is everything I wish not to happen. So I’m sorry.
I feel as if I have said everything I need to say, and I hope you have acquired a better understanding of who I really am and why I am the way I am. I just don’t really want to stop writing to you though. I feel that paper is the only way I can be brutally honest about my condition and how I feel. I cannot look you in the eye and tell you that I can’t portray my love for you because I hate myself. Verbally saying things locks them into place, and I don’t wish to fully convince myself yet that I hate who I am, so I am writing them.
My grandfather’s suicide has also taken a huge toll on me and my outlook on life, my family, and me. My grandfather was a noble, brave man, who appeared to have his life under control. But yet a broken neck hanging from a noose seemed more appealing to him than the life he had. And knowing someone like him can kill himself so easily, really takes away any hope I ever had.
I’m so sorry you are with someone who thinks the way I do, and I’m sorry that I can’t change. I know you want to change the way I view myself and view life, and maybe you eventually will, but for now, I’m sorry.
I read once that the ancient Egyptians had fifty words for sand, and the Eskimos had one hundred words for snow. I wish I had a thousand words for love, but all that comes to mind is the way you look when you don’t know I’m watching you, and there are no words for that. Never, ever forget that I love you so much.
And sometimes it hits me out of nowhere. All of a sudden this overwhelming sadness rushes over me. And I get discouraged and I get upset and I feel hopeless, sad and hurt. And once again, I feel numb to the world.
I haven’t learned how to cope with my grandfather’s suicide yet.
Or how my grandmother seems okay, yet she found him hanging from the pipe in the garage.
Why popsi? What did that noose fix that I couldn’t?
Thomas Cardinal Wolsey
reblog and make a wish!
this was removed from tumbrl due to “violating one or more of Tumblr’s Community Guidelines”, but since my wish came true the first time, I’m putting it back. :)
OH MY FUCKING GOD, IT’S BACK ON MY DASH.
THIS SHIT WORKS OKAY, I AM DEAD SERIOUS.
The last time I saw this on my dash, I didn’t think it would happen, so jokingly I wished I could go to a fun. concert.
AND GUESS WHAT, I WENT TO A FUCKING FUN. CONCERT.
THIS SHIT WORKS, TRY IT.
I SAW THIS ON MY DASH THE OTHER DAY AND THOUGHT “ITS WORTH A TRY” SO I WISHED I COULD GET A 3DS
LITERALLY LIKE 4 DAYS LATER MY DAD SENT ME A PICTURE OF THE 3DS XL HE BOUGHT FOR ME WHILE I WAS AT SCHOOL
IM STILL FREAKING OUT ABOUT THIS
holy fuck, I didn’t expect this to work, I was like psh, whatever it’s just a quick reblog, but I wished my Dad would actually respond back to me AND HE FUCKING DID A FEW DAYS LATER, I GOT A FUCKING TEXT FROM MY DAD TODAY WHO HASN’T SPOKEN OR RESPONDED TO ME IN MONTHS HOLY FUCK WHAT IS THIS MAGIC IT WORKS.
I WANTED TO SEE MY BOYFRIEND AND I DIDN’T THINK I’D GET DAYS OFF BUT THIS WEEKEND I’M HEADING UP THERE??? THIS IS CRAZY SHIT
SO LIKE I JOKINGLY WISHED FOR MY OWN LEN KAGAMINE AND THEN LIKE A WEEK LATER I GOT A LEN NENDOROID??? H ELP
WTF OKAY SO THIS SHOT ACTUALLY WORKS BECAUSE WHEN I WISHED, I HAD WISHED MY CRUSH WOULD LIKE ME BACK AND GUESS WHAT? I HAVE A BOYFRIEND NOW. WHAT THE HELLLLL?????
ok I’ve said this before but IM DOING IT AGAIN THE FIRST TIME I SAW THIS, MY WISH DID COME TRUE SO I REBLOGED AGAIN AND SAID IT IN THE TAGS BUT THEN I WISHED FOR SMTH ELSE AND IT LITERALLY LITERALLY HAPPENED LIKE A COUPLE DAYS LATER WHAT THE HELL SO NOW IM WRITING THIS HERE FOR YOU BC I DONT BELIEVE IN THIS CRAP BUT STILL IT’S AN AWFULLY BIG COINCIDENCE
THE BOY I FELL I LOVE WITH LEFT TO TRAVEL THE OTHER SIDE OF THE WORLD AND HAS BEEN GONE NOW FOR 3 MONTHS. WE HAVENT SPOKEN SINCE BECAUSE I DIDNT WANT TO MAKE HIM FEEL TRAPPED TO ME AND NOT ENJOY HIS TIME SO I WAITED FOR HIM TO CONTACT ME FIRST. I SAW THIS ON A PARTICULARLY LOW DAY WHEN I WAS MISSING HIM SO MUCH I CRIED FROM THE PAIN, GUYS I REALLY LOVE HIM, SO I THOUGHT MEH WHAT THE FUCK, AND WISHED HE WOULD JUST LET ME KNOW HE WAS OKAY.
HE FUCKING CALLED ME 20 MINUTES LATER
20 FUCKNG. MINUTES. LATER.
GOOD THINGS DO HAPPEN. AND ITS IN THIS POST.
I wish for someone to leave something in my ask.
OKAY SO I ASKED FOR A HEDGEHOG AND NOW GUESS WHO HAS A PET HEDGEHOGUM I DID THIS LIKE SERIOSLY LAST WEEK SOMETHING BASIC AND IT HAPPENED???